interrupted.

I started making a food diary since the middle of June when I started showing allergy symptoms and the beginnings of an asthmatic cough. I have been writing down nearly every morsel of food that passes through my lips every single day. It was basically because I do not have a healthy weight according to my height (borderline underweight), so this is like an attempt to show myself what I consume and hopefully gain weight healthily. Not much luck so far. I have concluded that I don't eat that little, but I just don't seem to gain weight. I gained back the couple of pounds I lost during the stressful months of February to April (that story is for another time), but seemed to lose them again during the month of fasting in August. I've also been trying to increase physical activity because I'm just...well...lazy. Really lazy. And the work I've been doing recently involves sitting for long periods of time in front of the computer. Bleh.
I had more to say but I just can't remember now. It's past midnight and I want to go to bed because I have to be up early to catch the bus to college.

A worthless post

So every time the power goes out for an hour, I can't work on my computer and that's how yesterday's post came into being. And today I am just randomly typing away here (touchscreens are fun!).
I don't like winter very much, but I plan to do a lot of baking this time around so yayyeee something to look forward to. Plus I am totally salivating over all these fantasy books that I need to get into.
And I am currently distracted by fb. And I just want to shut up right now.
Sent from my iPod

Turnabout

For a few days now, I've been trying to live full out. That means I've been working on my thesis but also doing whatever it is I feel like doing. Whatever it is I can do. It's led to this strange sensation that hit me yesterday that I felt like my old self. The old rida. From two years ago. And it was liberating. I felt like wild crazy me!

I have my bad moments that start during the quiet afternoons which I now hate. They are the times when, if my mind does not sleep, it rapidly descends into irrational thoughts of the mind-puddle type. Slimy, ugghh puddles. Hurtful things, u*ly things. Insecurities. Self-loathing. Strange images of deaths and pain and anger. Justified and unjustified frustration. The self-loathing is the worst: the idea that I despise myself and cannot gain the acceptance I need from myself to even make me get up and move.

My life two months from now is a large blank. It's scary. It's actually got gaping holes right now even, but I've been sloppily filling them up however adequately possible to feel whole. Hence, I have somehow subconsciously called in two-year-back me, the one who knows how to wear the armor and do all the required moves in it. She likes to be wild and spontaneous. She's the wall builder, and the one who resorts to being numb as a method of self-defense. It's an important aspect of my personality that I had lost while letting down my guard, letting it down quite, quite far. So for now, not feeling too deeply, or rather, not delving into places where my mind can stop to catch a breath and just ponder, is a good thing. I provide my head with enough constant background noise so it is not able to hear itself think (ugghh I know that was terrible).

I can spend most of the day, as a result, in a happy fireproof bubble. It kinda makes me wonder at how much of a sappy weakling I had become. All weepy-teary. Now I'm all unfeeling and wacky. Who wants caring sentimental me anyway?

I am a drifter.

I am a drifter.
I drift on the wind, with the wind, by the wind...
I drift because I cannot be tied down. I try, but after a little while, they cut me loose again. They cut me loose because they tire of holding on to my strings against the wind's buffeting. And once I am loose, I close my eyes and let the wind take me where it will.
Previously, this has led me to land in places where the wind, perhaps, should not have dropped me. I have made mistakes. Because I get so used to the feel of the wind that I forget that back on solid ground, I am not one with the wind anymore. I forget, and I make mistakes.
I am floating on the wind again right now. I'm letting out branches, feelers, breathing in strange sights and noises. Newness. I need new. I need change. I am getting it.
I have learned. Now, I know I must let out roots before I let out more branches. They don't keep me tied down; I have to tie down myself, lest I am lost again. I have to believe in something, lest I will believe in everything, and then in nothing.
I am newly healed, I cannot wear my heart on my sleeve. Not again. Not yet.
I need to let down roots. Deep into the ground. Deep into secure embraces and warmth. Deep into cold wet clamminess. Like and dislike. Deep. Secure.
I cannot ignore the wind; it is pulling at me. I am going to close my eyes now, close my heart, but not my mind. And I will drift...

filling (life) blanks

Linked to the little things we do!  It's FILL IN THE BLANK FRIDAY!!



 1.   You should always take time to   dance out your negativity    .

2.   Love and respect       make(s) the world a happier place to be.

3.  I can hardly wait for     graduation! And wearin' that cap =)   .

4.   Thursday    is my favorite day of the week.

5.  Something totally dumb and ridiculous that I love is   umm...stalking certain people on facebook  =/ =p .

6.  If I could, I would  get on a plane and go visit my big sis and bro! (D:)    .

7.  I rather like   my outfit at the moment (haha shallow, much?)    .

Visit Lauren's page to link up with your own answers to her blanks!


I'm also part of the Storytellers Blog Hop this weekend!

Juicin'

I had yummy green peas pulao and juicy kabab for lunch. Plus grape custard.
I never talk about food. At least never on my blog.

Me and mama set up the juicer with the blender base for the first time ever today. Had to make fresh apple juice because it's supposed to help blood formation, which daddy needs. It turned out to be highly amusing, and very very messy. Needless to say, I ate a lot of apple mush today. But we successfully juiced two glasses of whole-goodness-packed apple juice. There was something wrong with the whole setup we managed because there didn't seem any way to push in the fruit. Ending up using the back of a wooden spatula. Oh well.

I feel so low I want to cry.

Shaky sensations and tingly skin.

Linked to Sunday Scribblings


I sat quietly, on the side,
Cross-legged, with the blue-box-T-sheet leaving marks on my skin,
I lay down,
Then sat up,
Fidgety.
Eyes closed, I listened
to the breathing, the unlabored snores:
The slightest hitch - my eyelids frantically peeled back,
Assurance was needed.
I waited, watched the clock,
Imagined the little armies leading the fight,
In their swimmy world of red and white.
I blew on swollen fingertips to calm shaky hands,
The clock watched me.
Suddenly I was scared adolescent, wide-eyed, unsure,
Until the half hour passed, taking the sensation with it,
I was careful adult woman again,
Taking measurements, administering elixirs,
Then sinking back silently to my cool retreat,
Ever-watchful.
Worrisome.
Adolescence was back - delirium memories and bitter tonics,
I swallowed it down, donned patience.
Watched the clock, let the ticking wash over my mind,
Until I was woman again,
Careful, adult,
Daughter.


My father has dengue fever. Please pray.

The most-awaited wedding ever (is it? nah, I'm being overly melodramatic)

Today's visit to the perfect line resulted in a treat - finally got to see Barbie and Ken getting married! I may have only owned one Barbie doll as a little girl (and that, too, I inherited from my elder sister), but I remember getting a Barbie picnic set on my 4th or 5th birthday (or was it my 6th?). I deplored the fact that there was no doll included but I loved the little picnic table with its tiny colorful plates and cups, and a separate basketball hoop and basketball. My Barbie, unfortunately, had no Ken or any of the friends that the picnic set box picture showed - a full table of friends having a grand time at the picnic - but my doll was happy enough to pretend I was her best friend and let me share the whole scene with her.
*Sigh*. The days of toys.
What a mood uplifter! (yes, that's not a word). Something finally cracked through my miserable sadness.

Head over to the Barbie wedding post to see it for yourself, and the original source links =)

Rant.

I hate computers.
Like seriously.
Computers, laptops.
Ugh.
TOTAL BLAH.
I hate how I spend hours using my laptop (which is not even entirely mine, but I've kind of made it so for some time) and I don't even get enough work done because I'm too busy watching youtube videos or reading and subscribing to blogs and then my head hurts and I just CAN'T work because, well, my head hurts. And thus, I begin to hate these sneaky machines for doing this to me. They've killed all my productivity.
I want nice books to read made of REAL paper and write up things using REAL ink. Not open-access online journals and research papers and Ramachandran plots on two servers THAT DO NOT EVEN GIVE THE SAME RESULTS TO A SINGLE PROTEIN MODEL.

Breathe, Rida. Breathe.

Will this thesis ever be over? EVER? D:

I wonder.

They say you can only move forward in life; that you can't double back and change things that have passed, can't hope for chances to turn around and declare something as different. I say you can. But it's a one-way rail track, they say. Hmm. But we're not always traveling by train, are we?

Hold my hand. Write with me.

Being selfish is too easy. I wish it had been something that was hard to do, because I don't like repeatedly looking over my shoulder to see that black ball tied to my foot with the word 'selfish' written on it. It drags me down, and makes me feel bad about myself, right until the moment when I turn my head back to the front and forget all about it.

It's much more grand to think more of others and spend less time focusing on your own personal needs and wants.
I love reading. And writing. Playing with words. I know of things that have made people love me, and have made me love people. And words are my way of being thankful for all the love, all the happiness, and helping create more of both in a world that lacks an understanding of love and kindness and selfless good deeds. Within and without geographical borders.
Today, I make it my life's journey to love. To hold hands, to create Us, and to use that power and that magic to be the person I know I want to be.
Love.