'Baita, ap nay ab agay kya karna hai?'

It amuses me to no end when I am constantly asked the same question by different people in all sorts of ways. Apparently one of the most pressing of questions one can ask another they have not met in some time is: 'So what are you doing these days?' For someone who has recently finished off a portion of their education that was a 4-year degree pulled into nearly 5 years somehow with no vacation of any sort in it (2 weeks semester break doesn't count if you are a science major giving practical exams during it), well, let's just say I didn't end this in as chuffed a state of mind as I should have. Oh of course I was pleased to be over with it, without a doubt, but not pleased with what I had earned, and not glad about the perfectly horrible final year I had to endure with the constant mantra pounding in my head: "Please just let this be over, then everything will be alright."

I converted within quite a short time period into the complete opposite of the knowledge-loving, career-oriented, misery-cheerful freak that I once was. 18 months have passed since I first began to strike down ideas of pursuing those 'dreams' that were once the only things that would occupy my mind when I thought of the future. When I thought of me. A year and a half. Something I decided alone, something that became the main defining factor of who I was starting to turn into.

Now, I know who I am much more than I ever did while plodding through semester after semester and exam after exam requiring mindless recall of facts dictated by a Ph.D with no sense of how to teach a course. The college experience, the gaining of knowledge, the good impact any reputed educational institute can have on a person - I am grateful for all that. Thus, it annoys me quite a bit when I am questioned about the faida of my degree. 'What is the faida of it, what is the faida if you have not applied for further studies, what is the faida if you are just staying at home?'

Excuse me a moment while I pause to scream.

Oh, such sentiments warm my very heart, the open display of ignorance and senselessness by people one may expect it from, and people one could never expect such statements from. They cannot apparently understand something that is not within the confines of 'ordinary expected behavior'. The slightest unusual sounding thing outside of their circular ways of existence, and they will puff themselves up, ruffle their feathers and come at you to attack as if you had caused them personal offense. How can you explain the faida of anything to people who can only accept what they believe in to be right? At times I feel like I can be near the bottom of some deep pit of despair, when I turn my mind to those who do not see what they should see and do not think what they should think.

Everything we do, every little action, every tiny little thought that crosses our minds, it has weight and impact. It means something. It is neatly recorded and categorized. I am no longer naive enough to believe that people do anything at all without purpose. I have become harder as a person; I've been jealously guarding every negative emotion of mine for months, withholding sadness and misery, not sharing with anyone any sort of problem that belongs to me. Prying questions unsettle me, perhaps more than they should. But I know what to do with what I have.



Glossary
baita - child, son
faida - purpose
ap nay ab agay kya karna hai? - what are you planning on further doing?

Because I had to write SOMETHING

I actually made out a list of 'resolutions' today, more so because they were things that should be put into writing rather than an actual need for making resolutions this year when I was already more than a month late for the traditional resolution-making/stating process.
Anyhow.

One resolution I will absolutely not make is to write on this blogsy thingsy more. Feeling pressured to write about things when I have nothing of substance to write about and then either putting up something insubstantial or not getting something up within some allocated time gives this realllyyy awful guilty feeling and an unnecessary additional tension point (as if we don't have enough those already).

An important lesson I learned yesterday, or it could be the day before, was to really get up and stick to doing something right when you decide that this is something that you need to do. Now, failing to do this isn't exactly the same thing as procrastination, but it's close. Because some things can be pushed aside a bit, some things will keep on staring at us in the face for days if we keep on ignoring them, but some things will be out of our grasp before we have even attempted to close our fingers around them and then, they'll just be gone forever. And you know, opportunities knocking on your door and all that blah. Carpe diem. Whatever you'd like to call it. Just keep your eyes peeled and wiiiide open for that chance now and then, because losing it will make you feel terrible.

Too many sadddddd talks lately. I don't quite know how to come up with something more cheery, even though I have been positively bubbling with obscene cheeriness and enthusiasm and excitement for the past two days. I haven't even added anticipation for the coming few weeks to that yet.
But what I can say is, the day I start baking cookies will be the day. THE day.

No interesting food pictures or cute feline pictures to insert here. Kindly use your imagination once in a while.


Currently reading: The Mists of Avalon