I am imperfect. For a human, that isn't an astonishing statement at all.
In this world, as long as we are living these lives, until the Trumpet
does not blow and the mountains do not become like carded wool, we will
be imperfect. Once the dead have risen again and all have been assembled
in a congregation of shame and remorse, and enlightenment, then shall
the purification start - with fire and nails and iron weights; purified
until Man reaches his most pure state, each taking his own time to get
there.
The irony? Humans will still never be Perfect.
That was a little off topic.
Being confused about things should be something that I readily accept about myself, but too often I will find myself beating up my own self over this incapacity. It took a long time for me to realize that not knowing every single pebble in my path was okay.That it wasn't the end of the world if I didn't know what I was doing or whether my way of looking at things was right or wrong. I had to tell myself that despite feeling down in the dumps over things people said concerning my life, it didn't mean I was completely clueless, but it also didn't mean that I have everything figured out.
It's quite a familiar scenario: you are telling someone - or just quietly thinking away - about certain ideas of yours that are diametrically opposite to what they were just a short while ago, or about some life-changing decisions you made, and they just happen to say something - or that nag of a voice in your head speaks - and the words take your mind in for some heavy duty bashing. Yikes.
Self-doubt, confusion and stress are quick to follow until you actually start questioning your own decisions and wondering if you aren't just making a huge mistake.
For someone who gets easily influenced and affected by things people say, this is an ugly state of mind indeed. I mean, it took a lot of pondering and pluck on your part to just pick up and flip over pieces of your life, and you don't want to be second-guessing it all while you are still trying to figure things out for yourself.
One thing you have to remind yourself is that what is good for one person can perhaps not be the best thing for someone else. It makes it easier to deal with the doubt that you are doing things the wrong way. There is no wrong way. Everyone has their own paths to follow, even if the destination is eventually the same.
Sure. Easy peasy. With that kind of clear-headed thinking, I should be back to my normal, assured, sprightly self.
Nope. It wasn't enough. Fear had taken over - fears about losing time, being left behind, being ill-equipped to handle the hard knocks of life when they come - I felt inadequate, small, and terribly foolish. I may be on the right path, but it seemed like I was making all the wrong decisions and choosing things that weren't good for me after all. Strong conviction became wispy air-castles, and cheerful optimism became a Shiekh Chilli persona that horrified me more than anything else. I thought to myself, "I still think exactly like a child as if there is no hardship in the world and my dreams and reality are composed only of bunny rabbits and cotton candy and peach desserts."
It wasn't until many painful hours later that I realized the answer. I had known it all along but had just lacked the capability to articulate it.
I had been fighting the battle for so long - and losing it more often than I would like to admit - that I had forgotten to fall back for a bit to allow my troops to rest and to reevaluate my strategy. No, I had gone on charging and fighting until I was bone-weary, pausing only to fall down into a ditch, drink water from the enemy's tainted supply, and loudly wail about my wounds. The wins became less, the misery more, and, well, let's just leave it there. Climbing out of a ditch is not easy, but when you remember to look up at the stars and breathe that air again, you can finally accept that you are done with sparring for a while.
So yes, I haven't slunk away from the battlefield like a thief in the night. I walked out tired, but renewed all the same, ready to heal my wounds and let fate take its course in shaping my trail.
I haven't given up or pushed away everything without reason. I certainly have not let myself be sucked into a vortex where I will hang limply until I am claimed by a quiet death. No, I am merely resting and preparing for the next onslaught of battles. This time, I am promising myself that I will win much more than I lose. Struggling to become a better version of myself, training weaknesses instead of just strengths, and knowing who I am and why I exist; I am still just on the first rung of the ladder, but at least this one is leading up rather than down.
Whether I have to forcibly push myself into the next round or fate will simply pull the carpet out from under my feet to let me fall into it, I am quietly preparing myself before I have to step back in.
Now isn't that something a Warrior of Light would do?
Troops: mental faculties
=p
Sheikh Chilli: Comic character from subcontinental folklore who features prominently in stories for children as a fool, daydreamer and simpleton.
The irony? Humans will still never be Perfect.
That was a little off topic.
Being confused about things should be something that I readily accept about myself, but too often I will find myself beating up my own self over this incapacity. It took a long time for me to realize that not knowing every single pebble in my path was okay.That it wasn't the end of the world if I didn't know what I was doing or whether my way of looking at things was right or wrong. I had to tell myself that despite feeling down in the dumps over things people said concerning my life, it didn't mean I was completely clueless, but it also didn't mean that I have everything figured out.
It's quite a familiar scenario: you are telling someone - or just quietly thinking away - about certain ideas of yours that are diametrically opposite to what they were just a short while ago, or about some life-changing decisions you made, and they just happen to say something - or that nag of a voice in your head speaks - and the words take your mind in for some heavy duty bashing. Yikes.
Self-doubt, confusion and stress are quick to follow until you actually start questioning your own decisions and wondering if you aren't just making a huge mistake.
For someone who gets easily influenced and affected by things people say, this is an ugly state of mind indeed. I mean, it took a lot of pondering and pluck on your part to just pick up and flip over pieces of your life, and you don't want to be second-guessing it all while you are still trying to figure things out for yourself.
One thing you have to remind yourself is that what is good for one person can perhaps not be the best thing for someone else. It makes it easier to deal with the doubt that you are doing things the wrong way. There is no wrong way. Everyone has their own paths to follow, even if the destination is eventually the same.
Sure. Easy peasy. With that kind of clear-headed thinking, I should be back to my normal, assured, sprightly self.
Nope. It wasn't enough. Fear had taken over - fears about losing time, being left behind, being ill-equipped to handle the hard knocks of life when they come - I felt inadequate, small, and terribly foolish. I may be on the right path, but it seemed like I was making all the wrong decisions and choosing things that weren't good for me after all. Strong conviction became wispy air-castles, and cheerful optimism became a Shiekh Chilli persona that horrified me more than anything else. I thought to myself, "I still think exactly like a child as if there is no hardship in the world and my dreams and reality are composed only of bunny rabbits and cotton candy and peach desserts."
It wasn't until many painful hours later that I realized the answer. I had known it all along but had just lacked the capability to articulate it.
I had been fighting the battle for so long - and losing it more often than I would like to admit - that I had forgotten to fall back for a bit to allow my troops to rest and to reevaluate my strategy. No, I had gone on charging and fighting until I was bone-weary, pausing only to fall down into a ditch, drink water from the enemy's tainted supply, and loudly wail about my wounds. The wins became less, the misery more, and, well, let's just leave it there. Climbing out of a ditch is not easy, but when you remember to look up at the stars and breathe that air again, you can finally accept that you are done with sparring for a while.
So yes, I haven't slunk away from the battlefield like a thief in the night. I walked out tired, but renewed all the same, ready to heal my wounds and let fate take its course in shaping my trail.
I haven't given up or pushed away everything without reason. I certainly have not let myself be sucked into a vortex where I will hang limply until I am claimed by a quiet death. No, I am merely resting and preparing for the next onslaught of battles. This time, I am promising myself that I will win much more than I lose. Struggling to become a better version of myself, training weaknesses instead of just strengths, and knowing who I am and why I exist; I am still just on the first rung of the ladder, but at least this one is leading up rather than down.
Whether I have to forcibly push myself into the next round or fate will simply pull the carpet out from under my feet to let me fall into it, I am quietly preparing myself before I have to step back in.
Now isn't that something a Warrior of Light would do?
Troops: mental faculties
=p
Sheikh Chilli: Comic character from subcontinental folklore who features prominently in stories for children as a fool, daydreamer and simpleton.
