Breaking the silence.

I had intended to be more regular with this, but ended up letting more than a week slip by before I could open the 'new post' page and let it out as I should have. Everyday I thought about coming here but only managed to go through all the blogs I follow that I hadn't read for almost two months. And stayed silent.
And then I had something else to talk about and this post got shelved for a little while longer.


It is hard, I have discovered, to express the way I once could. It is so much easier now to be silent about what I feel. If anything, I used to hide things within complicated and abstract words and sentences, but the need to express and share was always there. This new me is difficult, difficult to understand.


For a while I intend to go completely the other way in an effort to reverse the effect. Be more open that I was ever before, just so I can find the way back to my hidden-meanings-yet-saying-everything kind of ways.
Yup.

I kind of have started it already, in several minor ways. Opening up privacy settings and seeing how it makes me feel (NOT Facebook; never Facebook!). Trying to say things aloud instead of being the quiet observer who talks too much in her mind. Speaking through several media: photos, text and small gestures.

I have never cared before about letting people know anything about me, but now I am making efforts to put forward my interests and talk about them as much as I want. Religion. Loves. Hobbies. Opinionated stuff. It's a start.


I removed my 'About me' page from this blog for a little while so I can write up something that reflects more of what I am trying to do. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually open this blog up to search engines too.


The important thing is that we constantly strive for change. Always the change that will lead you to be a better person. Sometimes I am also unsure of my path, about which road I should take, but I know it is only a matter of time before that will be clear to me too. So I stumble on, just keeping sure that the path I am taking is not the one that would lead me to something worse, just keeping to the one that shows a better 'me' at the end.

Now

It seems like things start moving too fast, and that erratic motion is causing objects to drift further and further apart. Crashing into each other, then drifting apart.  You cannot tie threads and loop their ends around your fingers like you used to as a child; they won't hold anymore. Such bonds are no longer held. Jerky movements are what define your moods, and burrowing into the warmth of a bed to feel some shred of comfort. You burrow. Waking and sleeping are indistinguishable. Such restlessness: your mind is not at peace. Thoughts are swirly and hard and dispersed. Thoughts battle it out, axes uplifted, war cries aloud. How do you keep the rest calm when on top there's fire and lightning? Twist fingers, bite lips, and your stomach will never seem to unclench. Deep breaths, all will be well. Rinse, lather, repeat.

The deep of the sleep

There are certain states of the human mind that can be both amusing and alarming in the way they function. For instance, a brain afflicted by fever will pour itself into delirium, and speak the speak of deliriousness. Strange words will be uttered when the mind prods the tongue, and the tongue may become loosened and function on its own constantly, having broken contact with its controller, the brain. Vocabulary and words normally not used may be heard floating around after having come out of the mouth of the delirious. Another such state is when one is so incredibly ready to be submerged under the coverings of one's bed. Such sleepiness may or may not be the product (no, the cause) of what is being tip-tapped off a keyboard at this very moment. Admission can be dangerous. There will be entire strings of words expressed with the eloquence of a half-wit and sentences that are just left in the middle without being

Because I had to write SOMETHING

I actually made out a list of 'resolutions' today, more so because they were things that should be put into writing rather than an actual need for making resolutions this year when I was already more than a month late for the traditional resolution-making/stating process.
Anyhow.

One resolution I will absolutely not make is to write on this blogsy thingsy more. Feeling pressured to write about things when I have nothing of substance to write about and then either putting up something insubstantial or not getting something up within some allocated time gives this realllyyy awful guilty feeling and an unnecessary additional tension point (as if we don't have enough those already).

An important lesson I learned yesterday, or it could be the day before, was to really get up and stick to doing something right when you decide that this is something that you need to do. Now, failing to do this isn't exactly the same thing as procrastination, but it's close. Because some things can be pushed aside a bit, some things will keep on staring at us in the face for days if we keep on ignoring them, but some things will be out of our grasp before we have even attempted to close our fingers around them and then, they'll just be gone forever. And you know, opportunities knocking on your door and all that blah. Carpe diem. Whatever you'd like to call it. Just keep your eyes peeled and wiiiide open for that chance now and then, because losing it will make you feel terrible.

Too many sadddddd talks lately. I don't quite know how to come up with something more cheery, even though I have been positively bubbling with obscene cheeriness and enthusiasm and excitement for the past two days. I haven't even added anticipation for the coming few weeks to that yet.
But what I can say is, the day I start baking cookies will be the day. THE day.

No interesting food pictures or cute feline pictures to insert here. Kindly use your imagination once in a while.


Currently reading: The Mists of Avalon

So many thingzez to talk about!

Firstly, our daily dose of kitty stalking:

Unfortunately, they do not belong to me. A cat gave birth to kittens in my backyard, and they live there in some hidden corner. Since my room is at the back of the house, I get to witness them being ado'able wittle kitty cats (and secretly record their finest moments using my camera). My parents are usually not too pleased with stray cats having the run of our place, but I've noticed they never really try hard enough to get rid of them, so you see, I bet they have got soft spots for them too =p Big old softie-hearted parents, yeah!

Also, I baked:
(Muffins. Shame on you for thinking of kittens)

Sooo many chocolate chips *om nom nom*

Close up fail.

I've realized that although I've had this blog for years, I was never concerned about actual readers (plural yeah, didn't think anyone would actually be reading this!). But for a month or so now absolute STRANGERS are visiting and leaving comments (he-he, just kidding, I'm actually flattered by the attention). So it seems I will have to make an About page or something, because I follow a lot of blogs now and it's a thing apparently. I can imagine people visiting here and then going like..but who the heck is she?! What does she do? (or even people who will read this sentence and say Oh I just figured out this is a girl's blog). Because my blog has never followed any chronological events in my life, and I have never really said anything about myself at all in posts, I guess I'll have to divulge a tiny bit of personal information in the form of an 'about' page. The truth is, for four years, people did occasionally look in on me here and leave a comment, but I always considered this space to be for me...more than for others to read. I've changed a bit regarding that recently when I finally started discovering blogging communities and liking the feel of the atmosphere where people care about other people's writing and lives without actually knowing them. And I stopped being a nameless reader to all these amazing blogs I followed quite consistently and actually started leaving comments on them. Let's see if I ever get around to wanting to attract more readers to stick around =p.

I've noticed how open people are about their lives on their blogs. That is something I have never been able to do. I'm not sure I want to, but sometimes I have felt it would be liberating to talk openly of people and things and events and share things with bloggers who can tell you they understand. Going through the archives here, you would find lots of random pieces of abstract writing, some poems, and the occasional entry that was actually written in the first person and shared something about myself. When talking about something personal, or that holds a lot of emotional weight, I tend to slip into this writing style where I use metaphors to let it all out. After all, this is all just exactly what my paper journal would have looked like for the past few years if I had been writing it out instead of typing it on an internet page. I wonder, is it allowed in blogger-land to treat your blog like a journal with casual indirect spouts of wordiness and the virtual equivalent of doodles?

Anyway, yesterday I had a conversation with a friend, the type of conversation I have not had with anyone for a long time because I've been keeping a lot to myself lately and staying home mostly with family. It started off quite randomly and quickly became this serious discussion regarding changes in the past couple of years, and new things and the future. Without actually going into personal details of things we've both been through and experienced, we had a general talk about good and bad changes in ourselves, and I ended up talking a bit too much of my 'dark' side. But my friend had positive and supportive things to say to me which made me feel so much better about myself. I let on about how I needed time to go over things and kind of decide how to steer my life from this point. All the negativity I was spouting obviously made my friend say that I was in a dark place and perhaps over-thinking stuff; the truth is, I was in a dark place for a long time, but I feel now I am out of it and on the path to healing. I do have a lot of thinking to do to help keep my head above the surface so I don't sink back into the misery-abyss. But for the most part, I feel the worst is over, and no matter how much I dread the winter that's coming, things will actually be good *ignoring the impending daily loadshedding of gas and heater-less bum-freezing situations*

P.S. -  WHEN, WHEN WILL I BE ABLE TO HOLD IN MY HANDS AN ORIGINAL COPY OF THE FOURTH ERAGON BOOK INHERITANCE, JUST NEWLY RELEASED? GAAAHHHHHHH

Currently re-reading:  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Watched: 3 episodes of How I Met Your Mother

Stalking kittens, and meaty-cheesy-pasta cravings.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU MY BACK AND NOTHING ELSE

I'M NOT GONNA TURN AROUNDDDDDD NANANANANA

HEY, WHERE'S THAT TAPPING NOISE COMING FROM?

OH, IT'S JUST YOUUU. ANNOYING WINDOW CREEPER.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. OH LOOK, SOMETHING TO EAT??!!

OH HERE'S THAT FEATHER I WAS PLAYING WITH BEFORE.

I'M JUST GONNA SLINK AWAY NOW BECAUSE YOU WON'T STOP STALKING ME WITH YOUR SILLY CAMERA!

Sigh. Cats. I love.
I was going to do NaNoWriMo for the first time this year...but then I didn't. Partially 'coz of me being in lazy-central and partially not having the patience that I used to have when I would sit down and get something done. And by done, I mean done.
I'm going out shopping with my mama soooon.
Lasagne, please?

P.S. - I like how the Kitchen Confidence Samosa box of 24 has two separate plastic bags inside of 12 samosas each. Just saying.

Currently re-reading: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

An unusually long post.

Being someone who finds it quite difficult for the most part to vocally express their thoughts, it becomes very frustrating when your written medium isn’t supporting your brain either. It causes large gaps between the times you actually do print out all those thoughts and ideas and feelings, and sometimes becomes a bad habit, which is funny because you have experienced the opposite, too, when too much of the verbal/written junk is clogging the pores of the atmosphere and is therefore unwanted. If that makes sense.

I was looking back through older entries and realized that the blank scary place I talked about in one of them as coming up in two months? Well, yeah, I’m right there now two months later, existing in this big, scary, blank place. There are many, many things that I can use to fill up my days, for myself and for others, and yet, there are those nagging thoughts that will just not go away. I don’t need lectures on kindness and consideration; I know how the tiniest things can have all sorts of big and small impacts, sometimes short-lived and sometimes far reaching. I know I have screwed up multiple times and I know exactly what mistakes I made.  Sometimes I set about to justify my actions and words, sometimes I knew better and just kept quiet, because that was how I felt I needed to deal with the situation on my own part. 

It has just come to this point where there are certain long moments, many of them, where I go into a state of anxiety and sometimes full blown panic, because I just can’t deal with all of it. I feel stuck between the past and the future and am unable to decide what exactly I need to do to get out of it. How to fix things, if things can be fixed, and how to proceed if there is nothing that can be done about what has happened and is now just done. I will begin to despise my own self, because I can almost see the trails leading out from me to far away consequences, and I feel powerless now to do anything about it, to prevent the inevitable impact of my actions and of my very existence. It’s like a timer constantly ticking in my head, constantly going off and then being reset. I do not know how to explain that I cannot do this, I cannot sit and watch everything crumble like I made it all crumble before. I hurt enough last time when I screwed up, and I don’t want to dive into a new place of pain and guilt and misery. I don’t know how to explain this. 

I am usually good at coating myself in impermeable material that prevents shocks and most other things to just roll off of me mostly, and can buffer my brain into layers to trick it into missing thoughts that I don’t want to be thought about. Lately, this tactic has become a survival technique, because two months of constantly coating and then breaking down the impermeable layers that I painted on myself caused a lot of wear and tear. It is hard now to feel myself for most of the time. I no longer exist in the safe haven of trust and faith and security. I have lost faith in immeasurable quantities. Attempts to try to cement it all together again have resulted in disastrous miscommunication and the situation being worse off than it all was to begin with. Indifference will not help. It uses so much energy to do that that I can’t tire myself out like that anymore. Don’t want more wear and tear.

I am searching for a solution, and for the right words to explain how I feel. It is highly disturbing how I fail to find those words, but also quite clear why this is happening, because the lack of faith just makes everything so much harder to handle. I can’t blame the poor environment that is created for me that is also one of the reasons my thoughts aren’t getting across, because that needs to be clarified by me too. I need to let that be known. 

Pardon me for this lengthy vomit; feel free to leave it as it is on this blog because I always keep the good and the bad and this is one of those things that shouldn’t be cleaned up. Is it pointless? I don’t know. Vomit makes you feel better once it’s out.

Currently re-reading: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Movie watched: Fireflies in the Garden

Post with random single words at the end

A little while ago I looked out the window of my room and saw two adorable kittens drinking from the abandoned hose in the middle of my backyard. I instantly glued myself to the window to look, and the next second, jumped and pulled out my camera from a drawer to take a picture. The battery was low but I was hoping I could get just one picture and it would be a nice new blog post picture and other people may die with cuteness-overload after seeing those tiny kittens. But, my camera sadly informed me in red letters that the battery was low and shut off. So, I sadly extracted the battery and put it to charge, while watching first one of the kittens run back into the trees, and then the other. (They don't belong to me, but they are one of the cat families that happen to be born in my backyard; this one I had only heard mewing yesterday and saw for real today).

That long and boring paragraph was to make up for the amazing picture I was not able to take and post. It has been a while since I wrote on my blog, mostly because I was very busy with finishing up college stuff, and because I spent any free time doing other useless and mostly unhealthy things. Mostly.

I can hear cricket on the TV in the lounge, but I've never been interested in watching it at all.

This is a disjointed blog post. I am out of practice. One good thing about right now is that I feel very motivated and I intend to get a ton of work done starting five minutes from now.

Yes.

(Weird).

Why?

Dunno.

The world, it seems, does not forgive over-sensitivity. Nor does it recognize a person's need to be heard, or rather the needs of a person that need to be heard coming from his/her mouth.
You're quietly walking along on one of life's little paths when you're grasped by the shoulders hard and shaken up. You protest that it's not what you want, not what you need, not how you can be treated. But you are told that your fragility is your problem.
You delve into words you've said and words you've written and try to trace patterns back to your heart. Try.
You look back at holes you mended and then created again and suddenly there are thick, dark rainclouds over your head. You try to beat the oppression, and then make yourself realize you have to lose to win. Or perhaps just lose. Maybe that will bring peace. Or an end.

Me and the banana tree <3

I wanna sing a song to that banana tree, because it surely made my day! And to think, I didn't even know I owned my very own b-tree. How many of you have seen one for real?

sunshine-fairy-goblin-happy!

This post has been waiting to get its bum up here for a few days now. And today it sees the light! (ignoring the fact that it is now evening).
And why is this post so darn special over all other oh-so-amazing bloggies of mine?
Because

it

is

an

announcement

(ok I'll stop that, I know its getting annoying)

Because it is an announcement bloggy! To declare that I have somehow recovered my sense of humor. Its been a few years since we've met so one of us is acting a little shy, and I'm not sure which. In any case, goodbye to the angst-filled bloggies of moi, and hell-o to sunshine! <3

P.S. - I will add a totally cool new accessory to my laptop soon and that will make me happppyyyyy (x100). Plus it'll make me feel all high-tech and everything.
It's called a mouse. Jealous, much?

Come and dissect. Please. Pretty please. Soon, and swiftly. Then slice the umbilical cord in one quick movement and lay out the body to rest. Leave the mind in turmoil, but the let the body to rest.

drag

Procrastination has become embedded inside me, engraved on every fiber of every muscle.
Pulling it out could be a nasty business, but then are so many other businesses. Nasty. Nasty jobs are usually VERY satisfying once they have been fully accomplished. Hence, I shall proceed straight to the nasty. No more procrastinat-blah-ing. I'll get right on it - once I've finished writing the rest of what must be written. Written NOW.
Haha.
Lame.
Thank you *bows*

These fluctuations I do not understand sometimes. Why do they come? And what do they mean? Sometimes I think it's because I am not at peace, and my being is in too much turmoil, and once I achieve that peace of mind that my body seems to be revolting for, they will disappear.
I cannot fight against them all the time - mainly because I am not a fighter, and I tire quickly. It is so much easier for me to give in to my demons than to grapple with them. Is it possible to become a fighter or do you have to be born one? I was not born one.

If only I could emulate these feelings of goodwill from myself all of the time, not just like now, and then, and then, and a bit more. Consistency, but in a positive way.

the craving for pancakes and maple syrup

hello. how are you? i hope you are doing well.

I hope.

Hope.

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

There is more to a fever-induced delirium than is visible to the mildly unconcerned eye. More than what comes sprouting out of your mouth or dribbles inconsiderately in any crooked fashion. The question, the very question, that you elude. That, is the delirium. The question. The question you elude.

Me

"Come little girl, let us wander down half-lighted forest paths, crunch through dead pine needles and broad leaves, and chase after wriggly worms while the sun plays perpetual hide and seek. Come!"

Jan'na chahtay ho?

La waris lash ki tadfeen ka tareeqa
1. Lash ka postmortem honay say pehle phone krein.
2. Murg report, naql report aur lash ki 4 adad taza tasaweer.
3. 2 adad constable humrah.
4. Dopaihr aik bajay k baad lash wasool nahi ki jaye gi.

mein.

Pagal.

Aj ka din kardiya teray naam.
Aj pagal hona hai tu ho jao, nahi hona…tab bhi sahi hai.
Agay pechay kisi ko batanay ki zaroorat nahi hai.
Pehlay jo karna hai wo karo, bad mein jo dimag mein aya, wo bad mein karna.
Hath churwana ziada sahi hai. Pakar k rkhnay se uljhan hogi.

Pagal.

the day of the rant.

I invented the 'word-doodle'. Plus the word rantalicious. All in one day.

Today...Today i only say one thing: kapphata kapphata poof!

the crank

When was the last time things went my way? I'm going to burst soon. I can't have deserved this much punishment. When will it end?

The Save-day

Today is the save-day. It's time to save emotions, save money, save hope. Tie it all up in a neat bundle, a red polka-dot 'kerchief, knot it onto the end of a stick, and get going. Save-day! I like you.


Time:
Waste?
Uh-oh.