Peace.

Busy for so long, so infinitely long, that things have been unthinkingly suppressed. This I should have foreseen...the slightest hint of room in my mind to think, and the world would turn upside-down. So much came tumbling out all at once that at first my mind was unable to numb me from the shock and save me from the tumultuous confusion that followed. Then I spent three agonizing 24-hour sessions sorting through the mess: feeling, thinking, tearing, despairing, and being a general robot. Now I am not calm - I am simply numb. It's what I'm best at. And of course, it means I've shelved most of the garbage again, and a bit of provocation will lead to a meltdown. So be it. Everything I cannot control.
Numbness breeds indifference. I long for those days when I could be completely numb. But somewhere along the way someone broke through my defenses and now totality is something I can no longer achieve =/ I am bitter. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to spread or share. When ever before have I felt so helpless? So...alone. I sorted and sifted through card after card, face after face, and found no one. Hence, the armor is coming on up. I'm building back my walls again. I might answer if you knock hard enough. Otherwise, I'm shelled.

it could have been worse

I am miserable...and yet I am not. I shouldn’t be…it’s not like I’m lacking much in life.
I’m sad and I worry too much about someone…as I should.

I feel like I’m caught in a whirlpool; I’m going around in endless spirals and sinking deeper, fast. And that is something entirely different from the panicky feeling that rises up inside me sometimes, threatening to engulf me, suffocate me – and my head spins while my fingers scrabble at my throat uselessly, trying to save me from the cord that is choking me.

I’ve spent all morning and all afternoon shivering. The cold has been affecting me worse today. I had actually been keeping it at bay in recent days. It is seeping into me and clutches hold of my backbone, and then it spreads up from that low point in one sudden smooth, fluid motion up my spine, and the jolt pulls me up straight and sets my muscles all a-quiver.

It is not pleasant.

It has been long since I felt the need to unwind – and I mean that in both ways – my muscles have been taut with tension for too long; I needed to let my mind unfold from its twisted position, needed it to relax out of its tight fist.
I needed to be able to feel again.
I know I can get away with much because it’s so simple to become numb. It’s become as easy as breathing now – it goes on just fine until you notice that you are breathing and then it becomes more difficult to do. It’s like second nature.
But I want to do away with this shield. I want to tear off this covering as violently as possible and expose the raw me underneath. I want the cold and the heat to sink in fully and to set me ablaze with cold fire. I want to burn.
It isn’t fair that they may feel so passionately and I cannot. I want to feel as they do. I want to be embraced by that turmoil of passion that will tangle itself in my hair and hold me tight against the storm. I want that storm. I want it as my own. I want to possess it, and it to possess me, embrace me and clutch me with its cold stone fingers. I want it to scourge the numbness away. I want to feel.