Bipolar

Can it possibly not be frustrating in any way when whatever you do just keeps MESSING UP? I mean, who cares about your good intentions. Who cares about the actual point you try to make that is in your head when no one else can see it? Because you are utterly unable to get it across. You just simply FAIL at saying what you mean to say. If you shut up, you're still wrong. If you try to talk, you're still wrong. Can someone please tell me the formula that will ensure at least some of the time things can go smoothly and not get screwed? Just sometimes? Please?
I've been sick all day, and extremely restless, with that distraction-irritable thing in my head that keeps ticking the way a clock does when you keep hearing it so loudly when you don't want to at all. But that was for me. Mine. I exuded positivity all day, as much as I could, without letting the nausea cloud every sense of mine. But still, either way, I will mess up. I cannot stay silent, I cannot talk, I cannot laugh, I cannot cry. I cannot cease to exist. I can spout crap or I can shroud myself in cheeriness; the moment I let someone in a little bit, I lose it. Completely. Have I lost it right now? Yes. I cannot take the presence of a hundred people. Two hundred. Fifty. Ten. I cannot. I cannot bear the constant noise, the background clamor, the constant nudging and poking and the dependence attached to a singular attention-begging object. I'd like to stay quiet. I'd like everyone to be quiet. I can't take it when there is just so much NOISE.
I hadn't realized this would happen, hadn't known that is how my self would react to certain stimuli. I've been keeping myself sheltered and for good reason. How do you explain that to people who know nothing but making noise? I owe you nothing. Please leave. Stop making noise.
On the other hand, when my heart and mind are in harmony, I can believe in dreams, because I know why and I know how and everything is beautiful and possible. But that is private and not for you to know. Who let you in?
I intended to give strength, and all I did was mess up. Stay silent? Is that the way now? And of the restlessness? There is no cure. 24 hours a day do not fill up the gaping holes; I wish the days were longer because I have much more to cram into them, only if I could. I would fill those holes if I could. But you, you are not welcome here. We...we are enough. More than enough.
Us.

A worthless post

So every time the power goes out for an hour, I can't work on my computer and that's how yesterday's post came into being. And today I am just randomly typing away here (touchscreens are fun!).
I don't like winter very much, but I plan to do a lot of baking this time around so yayyeee something to look forward to. Plus I am totally salivating over all these fantasy books that I need to get into.
And I am currently distracted by fb. And I just want to shut up right now.
Sent from my iPod

I feel so low I want to cry.

Rant.

I hate computers.
Like seriously.
Computers, laptops.
Ugh.
TOTAL BLAH.
I hate how I spend hours using my laptop (which is not even entirely mine, but I've kind of made it so for some time) and I don't even get enough work done because I'm too busy watching youtube videos or reading and subscribing to blogs and then my head hurts and I just CAN'T work because, well, my head hurts. And thus, I begin to hate these sneaky machines for doing this to me. They've killed all my productivity.
I want nice books to read made of REAL paper and write up things using REAL ink. Not open-access online journals and research papers and Ramachandran plots on two servers THAT DO NOT EVEN GIVE THE SAME RESULTS TO A SINGLE PROTEIN MODEL.

Breathe, Rida. Breathe.

Will this thesis ever be over? EVER? D:

drag

Procrastination has become embedded inside me, engraved on every fiber of every muscle.
Pulling it out could be a nasty business, but then are so many other businesses. Nasty. Nasty jobs are usually VERY satisfying once they have been fully accomplished. Hence, I shall proceed straight to the nasty. No more procrastinat-blah-ing. I'll get right on it - once I've finished writing the rest of what must be written. Written NOW.
Haha.
Lame.
Thank you *bows*

These fluctuations I do not understand sometimes. Why do they come? And what do they mean? Sometimes I think it's because I am not at peace, and my being is in too much turmoil, and once I achieve that peace of mind that my body seems to be revolting for, they will disappear.
I cannot fight against them all the time - mainly because I am not a fighter, and I tire quickly. It is so much easier for me to give in to my demons than to grapple with them. Is it possible to become a fighter or do you have to be born one? I was not born one.

If only I could emulate these feelings of goodwill from myself all of the time, not just like now, and then, and then, and a bit more. Consistency, but in a positive way.

the crank

When was the last time things went my way? I'm going to burst soon. I can't have deserved this much punishment. When will it end?

sunbathing...in rather different terms =P

I find the locations in GC highly inspiring. Without a doubt, it's an amazingly beautiful place! Sitting here in the sun in the Oval proves to be extremely enjoyable during the cold weather of January, provided the cold wind isn't dryly blasting across your face like it does nowadays.

I love the feeling of being in the Oval, like when these days it's dotted with small groups of ppl - in two's, three's or even a solitary figure - sitting and lounging around, working or just soaking up some sun. You only need to twist halfway backwards to see the main building and it's clock tower, and screw up your face at the unpleasant thought of it nearly being time for class. You walk into the main building off the road, pass by the Vice Chancellor's rooms and in the opening; scan the various people seated in the amphitheater for a familiar face; you reach the english department, climb the stairs up to the Central Library landing and reach the level of the trees, only to find two cute fluffy grey owls, perched next to each other on the same branch.

Of course, there's much more to see while traveling around the university, but I think this much is enough for now. While I try to move away to different locations, my mind incessantly prods me and nudges me back to my favorite haunt of the winter: the Oval.
The fact that these words are being put down while seated on one of the 'step' things that me and my four friends usually occupy is also very much the reason that I'm discoursing at length of this particular place. I can't help it; I love the sun! =) One element I cannot live without.
I look around and gaze at the goal towards the right of the ground and smile, thinking of Amoo and Yasmin lazily sprawled out in it, sleepy because of the sun's warmth, and covered from head to toe in dirt and grass =D

There are people from my class seated in places around me, as today is supposedly off but us goody-two-shoes kids have come to study anyway =P

My finals start the coming Friday and I'm not sure I'm totally prepared for them. (not surprised, huh?) The fact is, with not having enough gas at home to light a stove properly, let alone a heater, from 8:30a.m. to 11:30 at night, I do find it quite difficult to study in negative temperatures. I was thinking yesterday about how I used to complain in previous winters of the cold and willed it to be over as quickly as possible. That was surely a cinch! We had heaters then that could be turned on at will any time of the day or night and a geyser that never failed to turn on whenever we tried and hot water. This time, we have had much less; yesterday we had nothing. It was cold water from morning till end and bare hearths and empty fireplaces.

I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining =P But I do sound bitter, because that I am. There's not much exaggeration at least, that I can say.
I still have close to 45 min and I believe I should rest my pen for a while and peruse my notes. I do have exams coming after all.

heads that are too big for pink headbands with a butterfly on em

My first piece of writing was done online, so the formatting was really bad. I’m going crazy these days, what with the term papers that I’m writing and all the formatting I have to do at top speed because I’ve reached nearly all of my deadlines.

For the first time last night, while working on the computer, I kept on nodding off…strange it was, coz I’ve never been half-asleep while using the pc before! I was writing out a critical analysis of one of Lewis Carroll’s books, and suddenly I sit up and notice that the last line I typed had nothing to do with my essay..lol..

It’s rather common though, when reading or studying, that you just doze off and when you come to again, you’ve got a line in your mind that’s not what you just read! It’s a rather interesting occurrence, I must say. =)

The bad thing is, one of them was due today and I couldn't submit it coz i wasnt able to get it printed!

*sigh* All I've been doing is obsessing over my dumb assignments...I wish I could leave all this and do more important things. Which reminds me, I started The Brothers Karamazof by Dostoevsky today. Dad was going to pick me up a little late, so I sat on a bench in the sun and read. It felt so good! But eventually it got a little too warm, and i had to get up from there. Nevertheless, it was one of those few luxurious moments in life that make you feel like a million dollars =)

For now, I must depart. My internet is going a-waste =P