the last

Come and go, come and go, touch and whisper, on and off, you: top, i: top, paint, words, videos, music, pictures and priceless love. the world turns round and comes full circle. karma...do your thing! punishment is mine!

Harder to breathe

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I can feel it...at all times. This dead weight pressing down on me...suffocating me...holding me down. Grasping me by the arms and pulling me along with it down this long dark tunnel where no light can penetrate and the air is hot and unbearably still...making it harder to breathe.
My breathing is dry and shallow, and I try to draw quick breaths to feel the pain as little as possible, to ignore the air rubbing against my raw lungs at every movement, in and out.
I sit on the prayer mat, hugging my knees drawn up to my chest, trying to hold together myself before I fall apart into pieces...to ignore the gaping hole inside me, clutching at the seams before I lose control; my hands gripping my hair in two tight fists; my eyes closed and my face screwed up, withholding the emotion, and frustration, that is building up.
There really is no excuse. No statements that I can make; no words of comfort or solace that I can speak, or hear. There is raw feeling...nothing more, nothing less. There is emptiness; there is that constant tumor, eating away inside me...there is pain...a consistent dull aching pain, that won't go away, no matter how much I wish it to.
There is a loss of peace of mind..of laughter...of life.
I'm hanging by a slight thread...just the slightest bit of hope keeping me alive.

Oh...and I'm jealous. Hopelessly, infinitely so. Sue me.