My Green Retreat

The colors outside these days are simply breathtaking. Twice I have gone out to take pictures of my garden and lawns, and the only thing that is stopping me from doing it again now is an uncharged camera battery.
The greens are so fresh, the freshest I have ever seen them. Standing among that vegetation, it is easy to forget the grays and the browns and the beiges, the dust and the heat and the haze that exists outside the four walls of my house’s boundaries. I am in love with the greenery. Green is currently my favorite color, or rather, my range of favorite colors. For there are hundreds of shades of green, fresh and bright and dark and dull and shiny and yellowed and tinted – hundreds of shades in a single tree, on a single plant, in a single leaf. Hundreds of shades and shapes interspersed with the lone bright red or pink or white blossom, solitary flowers here and there poking out quietly from within the explosion of freshness-mint-green.
This morning it rained while I was sleeping and the smooth floors were dry by the time I had woken up and gone out. But the neat forest was alive and clean and washed, bursting with life and color and rippling under the cold breeze. No sunlight, no sparkling, but still alive, still bursting. I feasted my eyes on the beauty of it all, taking careful controlled breaths into my lungs and testing the air to see if it agreed with me. I felt washed, I felt alive. I felt beautiful. I closed my eyes and resisted the urge to breathe as deeply as I could, tempted as I was to run into the thick green grassy carpet with my arms wide open, run against the wind and feel it pull and push me, I just stood quietly and wondered. Smiled. Glad to live a moment in my garden early enough, as yet untainted by the dust carelessly scattered on the wind by the careless and the unfeeling. Glad.

You is read as We.

Today’s lesson (and a good one):
Be more grateful of the good things you have.

childhood?

Rida bad, bad girl. Rida needs to be punished.
Yes.

The insane.

Is it the weather? Is it really insanity traveling on the winds and landing at my doorstep? A lot has happened in recent times and it's crashing on me all at once. Driving me mad. I need me-time, I think. Lots of it. Family time. Vacation. I need prayers. I need Allah. I need to remind myself to breathe normally. Or to breathe at all. The darkness is suffocating me.
Family. All that gives me hope. All that I can cling on to. Us.

Bruised.

There are two marks you can leave on somebody: one by love and one by the opposite of love. Either of them brings one similar emotion: a sudden flushing of the face - with shame? How, I ask, how can one not die of shame by the latter marking? How can one not wish they could sink under 8 feet of solid earth whenever they have to lay eyes on the mark they've left? How can they confront it without suddenly having to lower their eyes in utter humiliation and wish they could take it back or be suddenly and swiftly punished for it?
I can go on and on about this. I feel like I'm obsessing now, but only because the lack of 'obsession' from everyone else is twice as painful. The swift, smooth transition back to normality, shoving underneath the carpet even the subtle undercurrents that maybe there has been a bloody effing shift in the vibes of this home. Shoved. Underneath the carpet. Skeleton # 525 in the closet? Check.
I feel haunted by that skeleton. Haunted. It comes before my eyes again and again and again. My heart is constantly squeezed in a painful reminder and my lungs need to struggle to inflate and deflate. Am I alone in feeling, saying that things can never be the same?

Things will not, can not, ever be the same.
Markings of love. I close my eyes and try to dig up that image instead. Screw them tightly shut and reach out to shared heartbeats and whispered words of love. Surely, surely love is stronger than its evil nemesis? Its twisted opposite?

Love marks.

To err...

Perhaps when your sins keep revisiting you, it is a good thing, because it is a reminder of the dark times in case you have forgotten them; a slap on the face, or a dunking of your head in cold water, a look into the mirror showing your inner self - a look through your own eyes. This, certainly, will help you not stray away to the darkness again. Painful reminders, but serving a good purpose.

*heart*

Something old, and not old at all. It brought back so much to the front, made me tingle all over and brought tears to my eyes. The better half that is you.

Of sunsets, and pretty skies.

This time of the year gives us amazing views of the sky - formations of clouds, interspersed with colors of merging shades, with sunlight sparkling in here and there. Not only is the weather getting warmer, but the transition visible up high is beautiful. No matter how bad my day is ending, I get to see a pretty sunset which gives me something to feel good about.
I love those times, few but precious, when I cannot for the life of me feel upset about anything.
Grey-blue and white, purple-blue, indigo, paler, and pink. Sometimes salmon. Bright heaven - peeping out from between a tear in the fluffy world up there. Everything makes sense. Everything is simple. Peace. Serenity. Love. I can fly up to do anything and be everything.
I can breathe.

I resolve to...

I feel like The Crutchy Life was one of my best posts. Being bedridden might have contributed a lot to that. Needless to say, I might be able to produce another such masterpiece. Only because my laziness = being bedridden.
I've got a lot to brag about.

Yes. Resolutions. Let's make this serious shall we?

1. I shall not procrastinate...quite so much (jeez, the loophole makes it more realistic, so enough with the pointed looks!)

2. I shall not lie.

3. I shall remember Allah and my purpose in life as much as I can.

4. I shall be grateful and look at those beneath me when in need of such thoughts.

5. I shall be honest with my work. And continue to help those in need.

6. I shall not raise my voice when in civilized company (no 'grumbling' loophole for you, brat!)

7. I shall take better care of myself, health 'n' all.

8. I shall write more, for preservation of my sanity, and everyone else's around me [plus, to help prevent numero 6 from backfiring].

9. I shall continue my quest to search for a way to read ebooks on-the-go (good luck with that, sneered the mean voice in her head).

10. I shall sulk less, daydream less, be less indecent in my thoughts, and spread general goodwill among the public (yeah ok, the last one was just a dud to complete the sentence)

11. I shall not be too friendly to people so I don't have to make new friends and stop creating/sharing the huge emotional vortex/whirlpool.

12. I shall try to consume large amounts of candy.

13. I shall thrive less on the funny feeling. Humor is best left to elbows.

14. I shall help more at home.

15. I shall keep my sense of humor upright (yeah, the funny feeling has nothing to do with being funny, figured that out now, didn't you?)

16. I shall not look at cute guys. I shall not think about cute guys.

17. I shall finish this list, eventually.

Twenty one one!

I just realized, my last post was my first of the new year! Needless to say, my top of the list resolution, THAT IS, procrastination, is one never to be fulfilled, so I refuse to write down any other resolutions until I can cross it off the list. The odds that it will happen? Not good. The fact that I can't resolve to do anything else until I learn not to procrastinate is kind of ok because I wouldn't even get to anything else on the list until I can get rid of numero uno, and then, somewhere inside I know one tiny reason that list isn't coming out is because I'm procrastinating and not writing it. The writing part is easy. It's the thinking I'm trying to save my brain from.
Conservation of what, may I ask?

All I want is an extra cheesy pizza, total fatness, movie on a comfortable couch, and yeah. That. Too much to ask for? You'd think I'd have been asking for something like...yeah. But really, seriously, all I want is....

=)

Sufficiently annoying I would say. You know what, I think I'm going to make out that list after all. February 6th resolutions, here I come!

the moron lives

"I mean, it's embarrassing, telling the person you love that you love them. It shouldn't be, but it is. Also, it didn't seem like something Jane Eyre would do."

New love: The Princess Diaries

I wish I was Meg Cabot's best friend.

Me and the banana tree <3

I wanna sing a song to that banana tree, because it surely made my day! And to think, I didn't even know I owned my very own b-tree. How many of you have seen one for real?