It has become something which festers and aches and heals over and then the scab gets picked too early and it bleeds and scars. Something uncontrolled, something that needs outlets but shudders to put out that toe and emerge from its dark cavern. Negative thoughts, negative emotions constantly swirl, thoughts which are damaging, and restless and repulsive to the soul. Thoughts one can be half-ashamed of.
You know you are that person who has had a lot to go through in life, situations created of your own doing that were impossible to run away from. And yet, run away you did. Whenever you got the chance, you ran away. You got yourself into a mess, panicked, and backed off. Sometimes you fought it out, tried to reason with yourself and your mind and your heart and with others, sometimes you could not convince them, sometimes you had to quiet yourself. You let yourself be kept quiet too often; too often, you let others make the decisions. All sorts of decisions, all sorts of things that would end up hurting you. Until you got used to following them, believing in what they said, doing what they thought ought to be done. And you did wrong with yourself, letting them hurt you, it was wrong. External pressure made you take initial wrong decisions, being 'too polite' to actually stand up straight (you always were a sloucher) and speak your 'mind', even though we both know it was your heart yearning to do the talking. Your heart knew. It always does.
Time passed, and bonds developed. You were the peacemaker, they were the conflicts. Each of your little packages decided to create conflict with every other package you owned. Too many times you lost. Your pretty trusting packages had too much takabbur in their hearts; too much jealousy, too much hasad. You were owned, you were diced and divided and quartered. You gave out what you had, they slurped it up and asked for more. You began to feel like being sucked dry. You were told off, you were the sore, the festering sore that was raining on everyone's parade, the one doing so much wrong. If you could just learn about limiting factors, it should be alright. So they thought. They forgot to glance into their own misguided hearts, peek into their own curtained shortcomings. They forgot. They saw only you, and you alone.
Your guilt was insurmountable. Yet you ploughed on. You tried to don indifference as your newest tool, because every other emotion was faltering and failing. It worked. Only, they gave you new labels. Callous. Shameless. Cold. Stone-cold. Your heart, they thought they could read it. They thought they alone, each one of them, could read it like an open book. They constantly stood next to you, and then pinched the heart that adorned your sleeve. It was your habit. That became theirs.
You wanted happiness, you gave happiness, you got happiness. You also got much unaccounted-for pain. You took no toll on it, you reciprocated with no revengeful feelings, for you were softer, much softer. Wont to forgiving and giving leeway. Wont to letting the decisions be made and imposed upon you, letting yourself be used. Did it please you? I know not.
They moved on, suddenly adopting normality, often too cheery to be natural. They walked all over thoughts that had previously been theirs to begin with. You stood there confused, unable to figure out which was reality, and what exactly was it that they wanted. You knew you couldn't move on. You outwardly did, but inside you still felt pain, still winced inwardly at moments that they made out as 'jokes' now, still wished you could heal yourself as they appeared to have healed magically. You couldn't. You didn't. You were the abnormality, so you hid away the hurting bits and pretended to not notice them whenever they throbbed.
You saw them change, and worried. You repented your own foolishness, but now you started to feel impacts of your actions rubbing off on them. You worried constantly about your bad influence, because you had to take the blame, it was something you had always done. You were sure it was your influence. You tried helplessly to stem the tide, hold back the incoming waves of mistakes you saw surrounding you, tearfully tried to rip apart iron bands with your bare hands, but you could do nothing. It seemed the damage had been done. You cursed yourself, and in an enlightening moment, perhaps received the pounding from the curse. Fie on you, and fie happened.
Bitterness had been welling inside you for a while; pain had been secretly working away in a grimy corner, unnoticed by you, creating inside its workshop things like resentment and anger. Oh, so much resentment, that has taken years to siphon away, and is still lingering. Then, all this was happening so quietly you didn't hear a whisper of it for a long, long time. All you knew was the clingy film of pain that was coating all your innards and the breaking of pieces of you that floated aimlessly. You felt aimless.
Pleasures began to wane, purpose began to be lost. Things went from out of focus to bleary to full-on blurry like viewing through a rain-washed window. Helplessness was pinning you down as you struggled to breathe, struggled to feign interest in things happening around you, struggled to keep afloat, even as you were pulled below the surface again and again. You were the spectre, the dark shadow that affected everyone who was in your presence. Pain came again, distances were created by putting up walls, and you felt support slip away. You wondered again and again how your actions could be seen by them as a personal affront to their beings. But that's how it was apparently. They left. They took steps back, and then never came forward again. It hurt. More than anything, the leaving hurt. You didn't know what to think because it seemed you must have pulled back from them when they needed you, for them to be doing that now that it was your turn. Your memory shows you nothing of the sort, but it is what you choose to believe, to help lessen the pain and confusion and pretend, yet again, that your faults are what are causing you to reap whatever 'rewards' life is throwing at you. You take the blame. They sit back content, their hearts accepting with grim pleasure as you struggle with weights you're carrying around your neck.
Suffocation is next, or perhaps was even there before. You try to throw off the pillow, try to ease your necktie, but breath is limited and your mind isn't doing so well without the oxygen. You feel again those binds holding you down, feel resentful at the mistreatment and long to shove it into faces as hard as you can. The expectations branded into your skin like a prized animal, the expectations need to be torn out. You tear it with so much force you leave half of yourself behind. You are free, but only half. It is frightening to not be whole. You cry. You wish for the agony to end, but when you turn around to share the anguish and try to put out the many fires burning in your wake and within you, you see nothing but fog and haze. There is no one. They have left. You die inside more. You know now you are alone.
You set about trying to figure out the winding road, picking up scattered pieces of yourself you find on the way. You are desperate and want to cling on to something, your nature is not so easily undone. You find, you cling. You begin to feel like a cup having hot tea poured into it. You feel better. But the pain-blankets are now heavier than ever, the chains around your neck ever more menacing. You weep. It seldom helps.
You reach out again and again, trying to desperately tie threads with your swollen, blistered fingers, unable to see through the blinding screen of tears that will not cease to flow. The threads keep breaking. You try it again with a smile on your face. They break again. You keep trying. Childhood insecurities begin to snake their way into your consciousness, and you start falling prey to them like you haven't in a long time. You start to retreat, to places inside of yourself where pain is already residing. It is not a happy abode, but it is the only one open to you now. Once-welcoming arms have now closed and you are alone.
Slowly you start cutting down on the bitterness and slathering on coats of a hard material you don't quite recognize. But it is serving your purpose. Coat upon coat of hardness. You start closing your eyes to telltale signs and pretending you cannot see, cannot feel the looks, the actions. You tell yourself you are not alone and can get through this. Your heart knows that there is no going back, but you tell it to yourself anyway because you know you have to bide time on empty words, for there is no other comfort to be had, nothing else is coming from anywhere.
You start to wean them off of you, pushing yourself into crevices when possible, let yourself stay unnoticed, reduce the shadow of your presence. You know you are the shadow. You realized they would be happier, better, without your influence and your constant presence. Or so it seemed. So you let them move on, let them revel in their happiness, their achievements, their big plans and goals, while you quietly try to snuff your candle and sneak off. You slowly let go, feeling yet again at fault for being the one always holding them back from being their great, amazing selves. They apparently do not think you need them, so you decide for them that they do not need you. Too late, they didn't need you anyway. You are flickering into invisibility. It hurts a lot, but it must be done.
Resentment and anger are finally given birth to, and they are staggeringly overweight. They flare in uncontrollable waves and some part of you is scared, but unable to understand how quickly the changes inside you happened. You spent broken moments, then pulled yourself up and made yourself stone-cold, and then all this happened. Underneath all the anger, you want to yearn for their absence. Your cold side ruthlessly suppresses it. It has had enough of pain. It doesn't want you moving towards it once again. You know you must give them up. Nerves scream, but you ignore them. You cry. You try to move on.
You want to question all those empty places, want to ask them to account for all the aches that surge through you again and again, but you know you no longer have the right to ask questions. That door has been closed. Not slammed shut, just closed slowly with a horrible creaking sound that dragged on forever and clawed at your insides. You want to ask who changed, who didn't, what changed what, what happened to who, questions and questions and questions. You want to plead for sincerity, want to rebuild and reforge. Nope. Nothing. None for you anymore. They are gone. So will you be soon.
You know you are on the right track, if there is any right and wrong. You know if you have lost them along the way, if you have found Allah, if you have found a measure of tranquility, of peace and stability, then you have won. You are no longer the wanderer, the helpless, the lost. You can't keep track of everyone anymore, but you know where you are. Right here. Now. This.
